I'm so excited! I'm so excited! I'm such a psycho bitch!

Sorry I keep coming back to 90's fictional characters, but I have to touch on someone very special to the APB family...Jessie Spano.

Jessie is a perfect psycho bitch because she is smart and knows how to use her intelligence to destroy others. Jessie Spano was the super-smart, kinda sexy, feminist character on Saved By The Bell. She is also known as "Momma"...her pet name with A.C. Slater.

Jessie always talked down to others, especially Zach and Kelly, who were the hottest, but, let's face it, also the dumbest. She dated A.C. Slater but could never get over the fact that he was a jock (and also dumb). She probably just dated him for the sex!!

There was a few episodes where she dated Zach. These episodes were so awkward, I couldn't even watch them. I have a VERY hard time believing that this would ever happen in real life.

Coincidental, Zach scored higher than Jessie on the SAT, proving that even though she acted like Miss Smarty Pants, it was all just for show. In reality, she was just a caffeine pill popper with frizzy hair.

Elizabeth Berkley went on to star in the REALLY CLASSY movie Showgirls. I think she is now hosting some sort of dancing show on TLC?! I also saw her on an episode of CSI: MIAMI, where she played, you guessed it, a psycho bitch.

It seems that poor Elizabeth has been typecast as an APB. And we have a sneaking suspicion she is one in real life too!! Although, there will probably never be a THS on her, since she is not really that famous :(

A Bitty Bitty Bitchy

Anyone that knows me knows that I love Selena. I even went so far as to dress up as her for Halloween one year. (I even padded my toosh with thick leg warmers to give the full effect). If there has ever been a psycho bitch, it is Yolanda Saldívar, Selena's murderer.

Yolanda was the president of Selena's fan club, who eventually turned crazy and shot the Latino superstar, ending her life and career. All of this is documented in the movie, "Selena", starring Jennifer Lopez.

Some may say that Yolanda is not applicable for APB status, because of her Latino-background. These people are mistaken...Yolanda is from San Antonio, Texas!

I love to see justice done on a psycho bitch, and Yolanda Salvidar is no exception. In 1995, she was found guilty of first-degree murder and sentenced to life in prison. Not only that, but she spends 23 hours a day in solitary confinement.

Let this be a lesson to you ladies: the psycho bitch title can be funny and entertaining, but when taken to far, it's just scary.

R.I.P Selena!!!

Straight Up - Paula is a Psycho Bitch

Before I begin I want everyone to check out Paula's side boob. OK, now focus.

We are going to try an exercise...it's called "The Paula". Stick your arms straight out in front of you like you are holding a basketball. Now spread your fingers as far apart from each other as they will go. Now clap your hands together in this position without bending your elbows. This is how Paula Abdul claps. This is not what makes her a psycho bitch, but it doesn't help her cause.

Paula is a psycho bitch because she is a pill-popping, American Idol contestant f-ing, firecracker of entertainment. She NEVER makes sense...EVER. For instance, when she was asked on American Idol, why one of the contestants was eliminated, her response was:

"Simon says because one of them ate pizza and the other one ate salad."

She also has a tremendously hard time getting out a full, coherent sentence. This is probably due to the alcohol / drug abuse that is so apparent, yet she denies vehemently.

Back in Paula's hay day she had number one hits, danced with animated characters and dated Emilio Estevez. Life was good. Paula is a different type of APB; she isn't as mean as some of the others but got a double dose of crazy.

Don't worry, Paula, we really do want to "love you forever. Oh, oh, oh!"

APB Announces New Hollywood Insider, "Fancy"

APB has a new Hollywood insider, who only goes by the name "Fancy"...no doubt to protect her identity. She is the one who blew the lid off of the Jessica / Bam story. She also has some great information on Martha Stewart, who we will be blogging about shortly. Fancy specializes in Hollywood gossip and has infiltrated the most elite of social scenes.

We are glad to have Fancy on the team and look forward to some great stories!

Fancy..don't let me down.

American Psycho Bitch Magnets

Hey guys, this one is for you. Do you see the shoes pictured above? DON'T EVER WEAR SHOES LIKE THAT!! For one thing, you will be teased mercilessly by me. Secondly, only crazy psycho bitches like guys who wear these shoes. If you feel that you don't have the ability to distinguish between a good shoe and a bad shoe, it's best to just go with loafers or tennis shoes.

Also not OK to wear: Affliction T-Shirts

Jessica Simpson - Karma's a Bitch!

Jessica Simpson is a real piece of work! We used to be a big fan of hers, back in the Newlywed's days. Then Jessica decided to ruin her marriage, career, and physique. Not the best idea, Jess!

Jessica is a psycho bitch for one reason and one reason alone - she broke up with Nick Lachey. Some may think Nick Lachey is a d-bag. (I often hear him referred to as such). But here are the facts about Nick Lachey : 1) He has a HOT girlfriend now, 2) He does tons of charity work, 3) He is hot (Yeah, I said it!!), and 4) He's just an all around better person than Jessica Simpson.

Basically, Jessica saw her star on the rise and didn't think her 98 Degrees husband was along for the ride. So she dumped his ass and left him for John Mayer??? John Mayer is a great songwriter, don't get me wrong, but when she dated him he looked like Nick Nolte. Jessica got chubby and dyed her hair brown to be more of a "normal girl". John didn't like her desperation or brown locks and tossed her to the curb.

THEN, she got a country music gig. If you don't know how that's going...just watch this video!! she had a total meltdown at one of her shows, opening for Rascal Flats (haha!).


YouTube - Jessica Simpson - Grand Rapids LIVE


Does anyone else find it funny that the song she is singing is "Forgiveness"? Maybe she should stick to her Hair-Do / Proactive / Macy's endorsement deals. Obviously singing isn't her thing. Hey, maybe she could strike a deal with Layne Briant or Chico's??? Just a thought.

It's no secret that Jessica got fat. Even though some in the media try to pretend that she's still skinny (Tyra!), she definitely put on some lb's. We actually hope she gets back to her old self, because "Boy I Think That I'm In Love With You" was a great song! And psycho bitches make for the best celebrities. Jess - hit the gym, try The Zone diet, dump Romo and get it together!!

Even psycho bitches deserve second chances!!

UPDATE: I just received information from my sources that Jessica Simpson cheated on Nick Lachey with Jackass's Bam Margera. Strike two Jessica! Even your lip-syncing sister has more respect for herself that that!

APB Report - The Office

In this fun little experiment, we will delve into a popular television show, The Office, and determine who is an APB.

Pam - Ummm, this one is tough but I'm gonna say no.

Phyllis - Yes. We love how she bitches Angela around and how she spilled the beans on the inter-office affair. We've really gotten to see her develop into a psycho bitch since the show first started.

Angela - Duh! And we feel that this one doesn't even need to be justified with commentary.

Kelly Kapour -Kind of. OK, yes. Remember the episode where she talks trash to Pam? Classic.

Jan - Jan is such a psycho bitch that we feel she deserves her own post. To be continued on this one...

Holly - No. She is not entertaining enough to be a psycho bitch. She's like a lump of mashed potatoes with no butter. Next!

Karen - I really hate Karen, but she's probably not a psycho bitch. Didn't you love seeing her dressed up as a hamburger two episodes ago?? I did!

Meredith - My favorite! She is BY FAR the most entertaining on the show, but too self-deprecating to be a true psycho bitch.

Back to Pam - I reconsidered and YES, she is a psycho bitch. Even though I never saw Karen and Jim together, it's never O.K. to be "the other woman." Shame on you Pam. Art school dropout!!

ABC Breeds APB's

No one is safe from APB status...not even fictional television characters. And as much as it pains me to say this, Laura Lee Winslow is a major APB. Why does she have to be so damn mean to Steve Urkel?? I mean, I know that he's a dork. I get that. But he was in love with her for 176 episodes. And guess how many episodes Laura gave him the time of day? Ten, or however many he was "Stephan Urkel." What a superficial biatch! She only liked him when he went into his little time machine and came out looking like a reject from Boys II Men. And to make matters worse, she was FAT!? Only on a family situational comedy can a fat biatch with a bad personality and CARL WINSLOW for a dad be popular. I feel like in the end, Laura and Urkel get together, but honestly, I never made it that far. I just couldn't stand to look at that APB's face anymore. Plus, 176 episodes is a long time to watch a show!! I think I had already moved on to Saved By the Bell, The College Years.

I actually met Kellie Shanygne Williams, who plays Laura Winslow, at a function in Washington D.C. where Barack Obama was supposed to make an appearance. He didn't...sorry Kellie Shanygne (?). She was actually pretty nice in person. If I remember correctly, she was spearheading some arts program "for the children." She probably felt the need to do something good for humanity after all the APB propaganda she was feeding the kids at home between 1989 and 1997.

Even Socials Can Be Psycho Bitches

Olivia Palermo...where do we begin? She is one of our favorite Psycho Bitches. She doesn't even try to hide it!! Here are the top five reasons Miss Palermo is the perfect APB.

1) She refers to herself as a "social" (short for socialite).

2) I'm pretty sure she gets her makeup done and hair blown out for work every day.

3) When Kelly Cutrone heard about Olivia working at DVF, all she could say was "She works?"

4) Olivia ONLY hangs out with her cousin, Nevin. Is he gay, or is it just me?

5) She started an argument with Whitney at work, and then got mad at Whitney for being in an argument at work.

All in all, we LOVE Olivia Palermo. The City just wouldn't be as fun without her.

Psycho Bitch Says Rihanna "Beat Herself Up"

Psycho bitches don't have to be celebrities...it's just more fun when they are. Beverly is a prime example of a non-celebrity, slightly illiterate psycho bitch. In response to an article on Chris Brown beating up hottie girlfriends Rihanna (NOT an psycho bitch, BTW), she had some very compelling arguments. And by compelling I mean completely ridiculous.

Comments

Did anyone besides Rihanna see him do this to her? I know everybody seen the movie a thin line between Love and Hate. She beat herself up, i'm not saying that is what happen, but think before you judge.Posted by: beverly Feb 11, 2009 8:21:48 AM

What does this comment tell us about Beverly? Well for starters she is an idiot. Can we all agree on that? Secondly, she brings up A Thin Line Between Love and Hate, directed by Martin Lawrence and known to some as "The Black Fatal Attraction". I didn't say that, IMDB did! And no Beverly, not everybody seen it.

To insinuate that Rihanna "beat herself up" is so ridiculous, it's hard to even imagine. I'm trying right now....nope, still nothing. Do you realize how hard it is to punch your own self in the face? Beverly is obviously a woman hater and less attractive than Rihanna...hence the jealousy.

APB Status: AFFIRMATIVE

This is probably Beverly's favorite scene in A Thin Line Between Love and Hate. "They shoot mad dogs!"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ECESD2eBbyw

Woo Hoo!

There is no better way to kick off American Psycho Bitch than with Vicki Gulverson (a.k.a. Woo Hoo!) from The Real Desperate Housewives of Orange County. Still don't know who she is? She's the one on acutane. I hope that clears everything up. ANYWAY, Vicki is a true psycho bitch. I almost put her picture up instead of Shanon Doherty! Yes, she's that bad. And I'm not hating on Vicki...she is actually my favorite and the most entertaining on the show. Let's get down to business, though, shall we? Let's really take a look at WHY she is the perfect APB.

Mean? You betcha! Vicki really prides herself on not warming up to people easily. This is demonstrated by her not talking to anyone on the show except for Jeanna and Tamra (sometimes). She has referred to the other cast members as "stupid", "attention whore", "pot head" and even compared her own husband to "Gavin Rossdale"... I guess that one's worse if you saw the episode.

*

Nasty? Eww, but yes. On one of the more recent episodes she practically takes her fake boobs out of her bedazzled shirt and exclaimes "the girls want to come out and play!" ( No one plays with her boobs...ever).

Manipulative? Of course. She buys a brand new Mercedes for her daughter. Nice, right? NO! She then makes Briana (her REALLY CUTE daughter) take over the payments and holds the car over her head to get what she wants. For instance, Briana wanted to be a little rebel and go to a Dave Matthews Band concert. Well Vicki was having none of that and told her if she went, so did the Benz. Briana still went. She also pulled something similar in the latest episode where Michael, her son, had Vicki pay for him and his friend to go on this really cool 3 day cruise with insurance salespeople. Well, Vicki thought that if her career supported her family, than her family should support her career (direct quote), and attend her fascinating insurance meetings. He didn't.

Obsessed with money? Yeppers. Vicki loves money. I think she actually says that in the opening credits. She wants to sabotage her entire families happiness by purchasing a yacht, and selling their home on Lake Havasu. She also gets really pissed when Tamra gets a Rolex for her birthday, since Vicki has never had one. Which reminds me, Vicki hates women that don't work - so everyone on the show except for Jeanna. Sorry Lynn, Love Cuffs doesn't count.

Entertaining? Totally. I could watch Vicki TV 24 hours a day. Sometimes I do when I'm bored and have a lot of RHOC tivo'd! Just the other day, my friend and I were trying to figure out what was more entertaining: Vicki getting pegged in the head with a water soaked football or falling down in front of peers (and all of America) while at a networking luncheon that she herself was hosting? It's so hard to decide!!

Let me leave you with this quote from Woo Hoo!...

"If we can get one more dancer off those poles...you're doing something right."