I'm so excited! I'm so excited! I'm such a psycho bitch!

Sorry I keep coming back to 90's fictional characters, but I have to touch on someone very special to the APB family...Jessie Spano.

Jessie is a perfect psycho bitch because she is smart and knows how to use her intelligence to destroy others. Jessie Spano was the super-smart, kinda sexy, feminist character on Saved By The Bell. She is also known as "Momma"...her pet name with A.C. Slater.

Jessie always talked down to others, especially Zach and Kelly, who were the hottest, but, let's face it, also the dumbest. She dated A.C. Slater but could never get over the fact that he was a jock (and also dumb). She probably just dated him for the sex!!

There was a few episodes where she dated Zach. These episodes were so awkward, I couldn't even watch them. I have a VERY hard time believing that this would ever happen in real life.

Coincidental, Zach scored higher than Jessie on the SAT, proving that even though she acted like Miss Smarty Pants, it was all just for show. In reality, she was just a caffeine pill popper with frizzy hair.

Elizabeth Berkley went on to star in the REALLY CLASSY movie Showgirls. I think she is now hosting some sort of dancing show on TLC?! I also saw her on an episode of CSI: MIAMI, where she played, you guessed it, a psycho bitch.

It seems that poor Elizabeth has been typecast as an APB. And we have a sneaking suspicion she is one in real life too!! Although, there will probably never be a THS on her, since she is not really that famous :(

A Bitty Bitty Bitchy

Anyone that knows me knows that I love Selena. I even went so far as to dress up as her for Halloween one year. (I even padded my toosh with thick leg warmers to give the full effect). If there has ever been a psycho bitch, it is Yolanda Saldívar, Selena's murderer.

Yolanda was the president of Selena's fan club, who eventually turned crazy and shot the Latino superstar, ending her life and career. All of this is documented in the movie, "Selena", starring Jennifer Lopez.

Some may say that Yolanda is not applicable for APB status, because of her Latino-background. These people are mistaken...Yolanda is from San Antonio, Texas!

I love to see justice done on a psycho bitch, and Yolanda Salvidar is no exception. In 1995, she was found guilty of first-degree murder and sentenced to life in prison. Not only that, but she spends 23 hours a day in solitary confinement.

Let this be a lesson to you ladies: the psycho bitch title can be funny and entertaining, but when taken to far, it's just scary.

R.I.P Selena!!!

Straight Up - Paula is a Psycho Bitch

Before I begin I want everyone to check out Paula's side boob. OK, now focus.

We are going to try an exercise...it's called "The Paula". Stick your arms straight out in front of you like you are holding a basketball. Now spread your fingers as far apart from each other as they will go. Now clap your hands together in this position without bending your elbows. This is how Paula Abdul claps. This is not what makes her a psycho bitch, but it doesn't help her cause.

Paula is a psycho bitch because she is a pill-popping, American Idol contestant f-ing, firecracker of entertainment. She NEVER makes sense...EVER. For instance, when she was asked on American Idol, why one of the contestants was eliminated, her response was:

"Simon says because one of them ate pizza and the other one ate salad."

She also has a tremendously hard time getting out a full, coherent sentence. This is probably due to the alcohol / drug abuse that is so apparent, yet she denies vehemently.

Back in Paula's hay day she had number one hits, danced with animated characters and dated Emilio Estevez. Life was good. Paula is a different type of APB; she isn't as mean as some of the others but got a double dose of crazy.

Don't worry, Paula, we really do want to "love you forever. Oh, oh, oh!"

APB Announces New Hollywood Insider, "Fancy"

APB has a new Hollywood insider, who only goes by the name "Fancy"...no doubt to protect her identity. She is the one who blew the lid off of the Jessica / Bam story. She also has some great information on Martha Stewart, who we will be blogging about shortly. Fancy specializes in Hollywood gossip and has infiltrated the most elite of social scenes.

We are glad to have Fancy on the team and look forward to some great stories!

Fancy..don't let me down.

American Psycho Bitch Magnets

Hey guys, this one is for you. Do you see the shoes pictured above? DON'T EVER WEAR SHOES LIKE THAT!! For one thing, you will be teased mercilessly by me. Secondly, only crazy psycho bitches like guys who wear these shoes. If you feel that you don't have the ability to distinguish between a good shoe and a bad shoe, it's best to just go with loafers or tennis shoes.

Also not OK to wear: Affliction T-Shirts

Jessica Simpson - Karma's a Bitch!

Jessica Simpson is a real piece of work! We used to be a big fan of hers, back in the Newlywed's days. Then Jessica decided to ruin her marriage, career, and physique. Not the best idea, Jess!

Jessica is a psycho bitch for one reason and one reason alone - she broke up with Nick Lachey. Some may think Nick Lachey is a d-bag. (I often hear him referred to as such). But here are the facts about Nick Lachey : 1) He has a HOT girlfriend now, 2) He does tons of charity work, 3) He is hot (Yeah, I said it!!), and 4) He's just an all around better person than Jessica Simpson.

Basically, Jessica saw her star on the rise and didn't think her 98 Degrees husband was along for the ride. So she dumped his ass and left him for John Mayer??? John Mayer is a great songwriter, don't get me wrong, but when she dated him he looked like Nick Nolte. Jessica got chubby and dyed her hair brown to be more of a "normal girl". John didn't like her desperation or brown locks and tossed her to the curb.

THEN, she got a country music gig. If you don't know how that's going...just watch this video!! she had a total meltdown at one of her shows, opening for Rascal Flats (haha!).


YouTube - Jessica Simpson - Grand Rapids LIVE


Does anyone else find it funny that the song she is singing is "Forgiveness"? Maybe she should stick to her Hair-Do / Proactive / Macy's endorsement deals. Obviously singing isn't her thing. Hey, maybe she could strike a deal with Layne Briant or Chico's??? Just a thought.

It's no secret that Jessica got fat. Even though some in the media try to pretend that she's still skinny (Tyra!), she definitely put on some lb's. We actually hope she gets back to her old self, because "Boy I Think That I'm In Love With You" was a great song! And psycho bitches make for the best celebrities. Jess - hit the gym, try The Zone diet, dump Romo and get it together!!

Even psycho bitches deserve second chances!!

UPDATE: I just received information from my sources that Jessica Simpson cheated on Nick Lachey with Jackass's Bam Margera. Strike two Jessica! Even your lip-syncing sister has more respect for herself that that!

APB Report - The Office

In this fun little experiment, we will delve into a popular television show, The Office, and determine who is an APB.

Pam - Ummm, this one is tough but I'm gonna say no.

Phyllis - Yes. We love how she bitches Angela around and how she spilled the beans on the inter-office affair. We've really gotten to see her develop into a psycho bitch since the show first started.

Angela - Duh! And we feel that this one doesn't even need to be justified with commentary.

Kelly Kapour -Kind of. OK, yes. Remember the episode where she talks trash to Pam? Classic.

Jan - Jan is such a psycho bitch that we feel she deserves her own post. To be continued on this one...

Holly - No. She is not entertaining enough to be a psycho bitch. She's like a lump of mashed potatoes with no butter. Next!

Karen - I really hate Karen, but she's probably not a psycho bitch. Didn't you love seeing her dressed up as a hamburger two episodes ago?? I did!

Meredith - My favorite! She is BY FAR the most entertaining on the show, but too self-deprecating to be a true psycho bitch.

Back to Pam - I reconsidered and YES, she is a psycho bitch. Even though I never saw Karen and Jim together, it's never O.K. to be "the other woman." Shame on you Pam. Art school dropout!!